An Almond for a Parrot

An absolutely astonishing waste of my time.

I had high hopes for An Almond for a Parrot by Wray Delaney. The synopsis had hints of The Crimson Petal and the White, however, it was not to be. I was appalled at the storytelling, the writing, and the supposed plot from the first. I was sending quotes to the group chat for ridicule every few paragraphs. My friends have not forgiven me for doing this to them. They want revenge — against me and presumably also Delaney — and I cannot say I blame them. Do not read this book unless you have a secret love for cringey erotica. I won’t judge (yes I will).

“My maid had undressed Monsieur Le Choufleur to reveal a most glorious pinkish parsnip that rose and leaned towards her.”

I had to read it, so now you do, too. I’m sorry (no I’m not).

This book is one of the worst books I read in 2022; possibly ever.

The story revolves around Tully Truegood, whose whirlwind life has led her to the brink of execution. She starts out as a poor orphan who works as a magician’s assistant and in sex work until she falls in love with the wrong man. The premise is sound and I was expecting a nuanced portrait of a young and vulnerable woman in the early modern period, but instead was barraged with a melodramatic and ridiculous plot riddled with clumsy phallic analogies. There are some mysteries from Tully’s early life that are revealed later in the story, but instead of being gasp-worthy plot twists, they seem hack-y in their convenience. Many of the characters are not as well fleshed out as they could be and the villains are cartoonish and flat. I shudder every time I think of this book. The awful sex imagery plunged my ratings of this book, but the plot and characters sank it to the rock-bottom depths of a one-star review. I would give it zero if I could, given that Tully has a supernatural gift of magical hand jobs (yes, really).